For example, I want to know if a movie has a happy ending, even at the risk of ruining the surprise. Is the arc of happiness something that starts high, dips for dramatic impact then ends on a high note? Or does it start high and just keep dropping until the movie ends and you want to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills? So I recommend an arc description, such as this example:
Arc: High – Low – High
I also want to know the star power. Recently I watched I Am Legend with Will Smith. I enjoyed it only because Will Smith has star power. Even some unknowns have star power. So show me the star power rating, maybe like this:
Star Power: 9
Next, I need to know the mumbling quotient. How many times do you have to turn to the person next to you and ask “What did he say?”
Mumbling Quotient: 7
And how long is this movie? Can my bladder make it all the way or is this a two-pisser?
Bladder: 8
Artistry is important too. How’s the writing, acting, directing, and so forth?
Artistry: 8
I don’t mind violence per se. I can watch hundreds of zombies or henchman get mowed down and still enjoy my popcorn. What I object to is any scene where someone enjoys torturing someone else.
Sadism: 8
A good story is important. Mostly the story needs to be original and make sense. I don’t care about much else.
Originality: 6
I have a hard time with any movie with a plot so complicated I can’t understand it. I have a right to know ahead of time whether I will be able to decipher the story I am paying to see.
Incomprensibility: 4
You also need rankings for humor, scariness, and suspense.
Humor: 7
Scariness: 8
Suspense: 3
That’s all I want to know. Don’t tell me a movie is some particular actor’s best work yet, or the director is at the peak of his powers. That gives me nothing.
Puto Godard.
